Tuesday, 28 June 2016

People say that God works in strange ways. I can now confirm that this is true.

I met God early Sunday morning. Three other interns and I were walking to our favourite coffee shop in Mossel Bay (The Blue Shed, check it out if you ever find yourself on the Garden Route!) when He popped up from behind us.

God wears red T-shirts and athletic shorts that show just an inch too much of too-pale leg. He has a rat tail and when He's out jogging (as God is prone to do on weekday mornings), it bounces up and down on his back. You wouldn't recognise Him for who He is but, fear not, God is very up front when it comes to introducing himself.

"I am God," He says, panting. "Good morning. Can I tell you something?"

None of us respond, perhaps out of sheer incredulity at this chance encounter.  That's certainly what God seems to think, as He matches His pace to ours and makes soothing gestures with his hands.

"I have never done drugs," God says. "I don't smoke and I don't drink."

I nod, though I'm not sure why. I'd always just sort of assumed that God didn't need drugs to get high. If anything, the revelation that God is a jogger confirmed my belief that God was more of a natural high kind of guy. But I suppose I appreciate His confirmation in any case.

"When I wrote the Commandments, I wanted you to go and worship me on Sundays."

All of us stare straight ahead, avoiding God's eyes. Again, this is instinctive. Maybe we're all suddenly feeling guilty about putting coffee ahead of religion. Maybe God's trying to inform us that, while we might not do drugs, smoke, or drink (or at least not to excess), we're addicts all the same, caffeine addicts. And maybe it's His intention that, as He continues to rattle off the remaining nine of His Commandments, that we're coming to an intersection, a crossroads, in which we have the opportunity to turn right en route to The Blue Shed, or continue along God's path. 

We take the right. 

God half stumbles, as though He's pained by our sacrilege. But He shakes himself off and sets off again, rat tail bouncing as He goes.